Closing 2025

 Closing the year.

The first thing that came to mind was closing out the bad stuff.   You know, the stuff you never thought you'd get through, and you never wish to experience again?  That stuff.    But then, you look back and you think, I did get through it.   I've grown from it.   

Sometimes that can mean that you've hardened.

Changed.

And sometimes that could be good.  

Sometimes maybe not.

See, for me.   The soft part of me is my strength.

My mother always criticized me for that.  Telling me to toughen up.  To not let my emotions show.  To be loud and bold.   Like she was.    

But I never could and it always made me feel like I was not living up to her expectations of how I should be.   What was wrong with me?  

But later, when I was in my forties , on her last bout with illness, she spent six months in the hospital.  I was with her most every day.  And one day, she looked at me and said, you were right ya know.  I said, about what mom?   She said being soft.   Being you.   Being a peacemaker instead of a hell raiser.  And I laughed and so did she.   But then she said - you are wonderful.  Beautiful and true.   Stay true to yourself, no matter what.

And I will carry that with me always.

Sure, I still fight with my thoughts of myself.   What's wrong with me??

But last year.   Big changes.  I moved to a quiet place in the country where with my health challenges as well as anxiety and panic attacks when alone, seemed to be the worst possible decision ever.   And believe me when I tell you that at times, I thought it was.

So closing the year?   About "goodbye" heartache.  "Goodbye" being sick, scared, lonely, without a purpose.....

Sure.   Goodbye to that but it's part of life.  And it's part of who I am.

So I won't close the year with complaints.  Regrets.   Disillusionment.  Anger.  Hardness.

I like who I am now.   

It's taken me 62 years to say that out loud.

Still have challenges?   Well, of course.   That's part of what makes us all human.

During this past year, I would hear a quote that depressed me terribly.

It was something like this.... Hard times, bad events, bad things in our life reveal who we are.

And for the longest time, I thought that meant that I had somehow caused bad stuff.  That I deserved it somehow.

If you are in that place - please know that there is light beyond that.  That the true revelation of who you are is more than on the way.

This past year has revealed my integrity.  My resilience.  My ability to stand on my own.  My ability to walk into my home, which I created with love.   Fully finance and care for, yes, me.  I did that.

My heart took a terrible beating and still does daily.  But I have no control over any of that part and will go the way God leads me. 

Easy words to say, but learning to live them is still a ongoing challenge.

2025, I thank you for the challenges.   The lessons.  The teachings.  The comforts.   The smiles and the laughter.   The tears and the incredible loneliness.   I will carry it all with me into 2026.   I will keep my softness.  I will keep my kindness and sincerity.   And I will keep love in my heart for those who hurt me.  And I will continue to hold space for the forgiveness that I receive for those I have hurt.

I'll continue to overcome anxiety and panic attacks.  At the pace that is meant to be for me.   These were from a childhood where trauma occurred and also from adult choices that I made as well as choices that I didn't make that left me with PTSD.   Add that to the fact that I am very co-dependent , well..... It's been quite a journey as I look back on this past year. Look back on my entire life.   

 Being forced, by my own hand and through life circumstances,  to face all this head on here in this rural place, alone has brought on a self love that I could have never gained without this past year.   It hasn't been easy and the challenges did not disappear, they did not suddenly become easy , but they are less often and shorter durations for me.  But to face it all, I have.  I've spent a great deal of my time during 2025 in solitude.  Which was a choice I made and may indeed always be part of my life.

The biggest thing I learned in 2025?   Silence is nothing to fear.   Nothing to avoid.   For me, I truly discovered that Gods only voice is in the silence.    

I leave 2025 with love.   I enter 2026 with hope and with possibility.  And I will allow love to enter all of the parts of me that continue to heal.   The light, the love.  It finds us eventually.   May we see if when it arrives and accept it into our soul.    May we understand that receiving grace comes the moment we stop feeling like we have to do something or act a certain way to deserve it.  Grace is a gift.  From the divine.

It has taken me more than 50 years to even like myself.   To forgive myself.  To know myself.

The light always comes.  Always. And with the light, grace steps in.  In the quiet.  In the stillness.  In the silence.  Grace steps in ever so gently as soon as we stop trying to deserve it.  

Happy New Year!    

Whispering Horn will be back every Monday during 2026 with a new blog post as well as uploads to our You Tube channel.

Every new day is a gift. 

Faith says we have 365 days ahead of us.

May you each have hope in your hearts and love in your souls.

It's why we are here.

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So abide now faith, hope and love, these three.   But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13